This Purse Weighs a Fortune

My mother has always inspired me with her sense of humor. And she has kept her family and friends amused for years, often without even knowing it. I have mentioned that she was the Queen of Malapropisms, enjoying "the Dog Worshipper" on television. Here are a few more examples of her gems:

"Hey, there are two of us. Let's use the HIV lane!"

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven."

"This purse weighs a fortune!"

"Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth."

Mom is a smart cookie, but she sometimes takes vocabulary fairly lightly. If a big word sounds right, it'll do for Mom, and we usually know what she means. Except for a few months ago when Mom was giving me a health update over the phone.

"I'm feeling great, honey, and doing fine," Mom chirped cheerfully."And next Wednesday, I'm getting a colostomy while I'm in town!"

"Mom, what?— A colostomy? Oh my god, that's, that's kind of major, don't you think?"

"Oh, no, honey, it's nothing. Really. I thought I'd go to the Galleria afterward."

"Mom, a colostomy is major surgery, involving an external bag — why are you having this done?"

"Oh, wait. I'm not having a colostomy. I'm having a colon, um, something else that starts with C."

We finally figured out the word she was searching for was colonoscopy.

You should hear some of the things she says to describe the breed of dog she'd like to own: a Bichon Frise.